Story of My Life – Loved a Girl, Married a Guy

lgbt-lesbian-confession

There was an instant spark between us. A love that I had never experienced before and an intimacy
that makes you feel ethereal. Such things cannot be penned down, they are only meant to be felt by
the heart. Her presence lifted my spirits, no matter how disconsolate I was. She was the perfect one
for me – the one I wanted to marry. But I could not. Why this tragic ending to a love story that seems
so pristine? You might wonder.

To put it simply, we were of the same biological sex — two women who were in love. Yes! This was
enough to ruin our relationship. People would not have accepted our relationship and this was more
consequential than the love we had for each other. People and their opinions were of greater
significance, the body and the gender mattered more than the soul. For those who are too narrow-
minded and myopic to make space for anything that is against their conventionally held beliefs, this
would have been no less than a crime.

One has to marry someone of the opposite gender – this was like an axiom. I could not win against
this austere mind set. How could I have possibly said that I wanted to marry a woman to people who
consider homosexuality a disease? I loved with all my soul, but love was not enough, it never is.
One day, she told me that her parents had fixed her marriage and that was the end. I wanted to
commit suicide to rid myself of the pain of losing someone. I wanted to run away from this world
where I could not freely express myself. We could not speak up against it. We were too scared to
invite their wrath upon us. Seeing her getting married was the hardest thing to do, knowing well that
both of us will ever be able to love our male partners.

I am in my 30s now, married (of course, to a man) and have two beautiful children. I do not fear
losing anything now, so I have decided to come out of the closet. I can no longer live this lie. Having
an identity that is concocted to cover who you truly are is suffocating. Sometimes, it feels like a
nightmare and I hope someone wakes me up. But I am no longer scared of the real me. Also, I owe
this to my husband, who I deeply respect. We have a companionship and I can’t let it go now, but he
also needs to know the truth.

Marriage for me was a task that I had to complete in order to make my family happy. And soon after
marriage, I buried my sexuality in the deepest corner of my heart. Nonetheless, I love my husband,
but not in the same way as a straight woman would love her husband. My husband is more like a
partner, who I am attached to for all these years that we have spent together.

Life never allows you to take decisions independently, sans societal pressure. So, the society had a
greater role to play in my love story. People who you hardly know seem to dictate many such
important aspects of your existence – from the person I should have sexual relations with to the one
I should marry and the time when I should ideally marry. They had got it all fixed for me.
Distorting that was something I could not dare to do. Times were also not so liberal back then as
they are now. Perceptions about homosexuals were far from reality and the stereotyping was cruel.
The movement was not strong as it is today and the understanding of such concepts was heavily
flawed. Not to say that the situation has entirely improved now, but it definitely has gotten better.

People have the power to come out of the closet, even though they too have to experience their
share of bullying and harassment. But when I was in my 20s, the environment was not at all conducive. Talking about the LGBT community was a sin, let alone being a part of it.

After months of contemplation, I finally garnered the courage to speak about this. I did not want to
carry this truth as a secret to my grave. But doing this was not easy at all. I have heard people talking
about homosexuality. I have laughed it off with them. I have behaved like I too am wary of such
people. But all along, I have been a lesbian. And I have no shame in saying that because your
sexuality is not anything you should be ashamed of.

In all the intimate moments with my husband, in all the gossip sessions about boys in college, at all
times when I faked having a crush on a boy in school, I have been a lesbian who was trying to fit in
by shrugging off her reality. But this is a part of me that I can’t or rather something that I don’t want
to change. I just have one regret now – I wish I had showed this courage years back.

Avni

Lesbian to the core. Please take your time before sending an add request.

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